love

Love is so many things, but it's not just……something you declare when you feel warmth, happiness, or feel like the other person will and can ‘make you a better person’.  Love is a radical declaration to create beauty from anything.  LOVE is creating beautiful experiences from beauty itself---and from chaos.  Love is where you commit to give the effort to work through and with class 5 rapids and brick walls where you strive to find light, laughter, and joy.  You notice you have the capacity to respond fluidly and seize the beauty in your underpinnings, your idiosyncrasies and funk.  You are non judgmentally comfortable enough to feel vulnerable revealing only pieces of yourself.  The pieces you reveal may make you feel unwhole, unholy even, but in the bits of time that you have, you can only expose, see pieces of yourself at a time.  To bring forward all of you would be impossible.  So, you wait out the impossible.  Stillness.  Calm.  Unbearable.

In that waiting to present your whole, best self, is some suffering; when you feel incomplete, inconsistent, like pieces of you flying off, through and around you, cackling in your face.  You can only present parts of you and in that time, you feel inconsistent in front of the world.  That fracturing of your self has the potential to drive you to madness.  But you wait.  And hope that every moment you can keep control of your selves and try to organize your universe,  the good will eventually be revealed.  Ultimately, you know you'll fall short of feeling complete.  Parts of you are incomplete and worse, may always be incomplete.  The parts may sneak out of the closet and punch you for pretending, neglecting and disobeying, for being anxious to be whole.  But you resign to being in yourself, to being you, to being whole, in spite of the voices.  There you are and if you don't find a way to love that person, you, no one else will.  The more you go deeper towards love, the more your pieces come together. 

Eventually, the fissures between the parts of you start to close.  You come to an agreement that the stories you hold in your tissues reside throughout lifetimes. There may not be closure, but there is fluidity between these lives; and that we are so much more than we think we are.  Infinite lives interact in this one life.  Lives that mean well, but live simultaneously overlapping each other, vying for attention.  We argue about which is more real, which is most important and which is most injured or beautiful; but they may be all relevant. 

If and when these voices/lives/ parts of you sing a chorus together, it is like the skies crying, the clouds cracking open and light pouring like lava spreading out across the horizon.  That moment doesn't last long, and it shouldn't, but it happens.  Long enough to feel in a vibration that you never ever will forget.  It's a frequency that no one else hears, but you've heard yourself coming together and you feel it, and recognize that no one else will ever hear it, but they might feel your energy as you've recorded in your memory an inaudible, but tangible vibe.  Something you now carry with you in your smell, voice, step, smile and eyes.  It's light, it's effortless, it's available and it's what people call beauty when they feel your presence- when they don't even know what they feel.  In that is love.

Love means you give in- to work with and through all of life’s experiences because you have an immeasurable trust in yourself that comes from a deep, unknown place.  This trust is always available, but when you don't firmly believe it, it may be because you're lost in the scale, the massiveness of it's depths, the endless vacuous well of love it can offer.  It's nearly impossible to believe trust is always available, because maybe no one's been unconditionally available to you.  Soon, you find return on trust is not residing in the temporary fixes you seek.  Either in TV, music, alcohol, drugs, spas or even conversation.  You find trust and longevity in the sounds of crickets, the wind, the water, the clouds, these things of nature.  All of human's constructs are clues to remind you how fragile and temporary you are.  They trigger 'lack' in something, 'want' for something, and 'desire'.  Fractured and always incomplete.  And with that sense, you bond with others to protect against the impending sense of fear- fear of loss, of death, of falling apart literally.  You take those cues because you want to feel alive in that specific moment.  You can't wait.  You rely on memory to give you temporary fixes of emotional weight.  Worry, jealousy, fear, infatuation, loss....that ignite a fire inside because stillness is too unsettling.  You don't feel connected to others in that stillness.  You connect through loss and the effort to fill, nostalgia and fighting against time.  Energy lifted or dropped by emotional memory, and making situations urgent is what makes you feel alive for a moment.  This urgency, in lieu of stillness, drives desire and dopamine that hungers for more, fuels the hunger for some fire that's exogenous, not something from derived from within.  Not a still, steady, focused calm.

Love means you agree that darkness and beauty coexist and you will choose to do all you can to craft beauty from darkness.  You do not sit down there in the dark and wallow, soak up toxic putrid moments, nor do you stop learning and changing.  You are not surprised that darkness would enter your world.  You’re not naïve or surprised by change.  You create lightness and you can do that at any moment, anywhere, anytime.  You continue working towards generating that deliberately at all times.

Then you realize that you are a creative; that everyone is ‘a creative’.  What happened in our education was the division of the mind, when we divided our thinking processes and operated under certain set of expected outcomes.  That division continued to happen until most everyone shut down parts of their brain for the sake of productivity.  We rarely worked or learned in an environment where creativity meant thinking broad, laterally, outside of time and space, intuitively AND logically.  Experiences are not scripted, fixed, but there are patterns and momentum.  We can follow traces of behavior and thought to derive at an understanding of what’s next.  The ability to predict is what makes our brains unique to other animals.  To predict, we have to have a very developed sense of instinct, trust, intuition.  For our survival, we need access to all of our brain to tap into instinct and form logical solutions.  We access that occasionally and when we do, we feel ageless, timeless, fearless.  So, why don't we find that more often.....

Love operates under that same function.  Instinct and prediction based on evidence in that specific moment.  The problems arise when we tangle instinct and prediction with unresolved memory.  Our past and the current moment aren't to be intertwined.  When we haven't resolved the past, that will continuously come up to rear it's head and mock us for not paying attention to it.  Following cues, and patterns to derive outcomes.  Not blind based on past experience, or personal trauma or fear.

Humans are built to adapt and change.  We KNOW that we have unexpected situations; and our bodies and minds are built to respond accordingly.  We are creative.  We are all creatively generating new perspectives on the world and ourselves through adaptation and change.   Our creative capacity is to generate new views, and continue generating new life forms from our existing situation; within and outside of ourselves.  We have that choice to generate life, or enable decay.  These are our important choices, maybe our only constant choices, moment to moment.  You can call that love and fear or life and decay.  Both are necessary.  That’s why they're so difficult.  They appear together.   The loss and rebirth are intertwined.  Decay and death occurs for new life to happen.  Letting death happen is a hard choice to be comfortable with.  We don’t remember that it enables new life forms.

We are not autotomotons on a linear schedule.  That’s not our nature.  We are seasonal, lunar, and solar, cyclical in thought and movement.  Our minds and bodies are built to be responsive to cycles and change, and must change.  Resistance to that cycle leads to unleashed emotions; anger, resentment or confusion because we recognize subconsciously or somewhere in our tissues that we’re not aligned with our less linear nature.   In order to achieve linear programming, we have to shut down our instinct, our intuition.  And that’s when we lose our full intelligence.  We are designed to respond with the appropriate set of tools to every situation because we are so skilled we can look at situations with different lenses and see how to navigate through something with multiple solutions.  That alone, is what enables us to be with other people of other strengths, identities, and backgrounds, languages, to empathize. 

Love is radical.  It’s a blind agreement with yourself to possibly go through hell and convert that hell to something beautiful.   A commitment to be exposed, raw like you never have and forgive whatever chooses to appear; to not bury pain, but to release and forgive.  Letting the pain take form, letting it out, and releasing is valid.  Not attaching to pain, but committing to resolve, to find closure so that new things can open.  The harshness is not chosen; facing dark pain is accepting what happens as you peel away some false identities, some masks, and become necessarily trusting and comfortable with yourself and the other person.  

In that harshness, you learn to shape that into love, light, with a fierce resolve to transform.  Love is the ultimate art, it’s the act of transforming pieces of anything into positive relentless new views.  Love is that.  It is the tenacity to view what is, exactly as it is, and defy negativity in order to opt for positive, brilliance, simplicity.   And not judge what it is, but find the energy that supports it, a love that gives life, the kind of life that generates and enables more life. 

Finding new ways of viewing, of crafting light, of challenging the dark is an active conscious selection.  Love is recognizing in yourself that you have the capacity to love with positive consequences; you KNOW you are capable of working through the rawness of life, the ridiculous and insane, unheard of, i.e. Armageddon, that is a reflection of the worst of human experiences and the best.  In that, you choose to thrive, to crack the code where life can be found.  Randomness, planned, or unwanted, can be agreeable, beautiful, ground breaking, not shocking.  You know you have the choice to not be confused, to not look for absolute consistency and clarity, not even look for familiarity, to feel aware when life hits you like a train and someone responds erratically.  To be patient and still, so you have the energy to observe what’s happening around you, not be caught in awareness only of your own needs.

Love is an agreement to run into walls, cause love bring change and change isn’t possible without some crashes.  When you find a wall, you figure our what it’s made of, you decide how you want to negotiate with that type of thing, and then decide whether you want to go under, around, over or through.  And how are you going to support the other person in that effort?

Love is an agreement that states you’ll celebrate milestones and with all abandon, make milestones happen, with vigor. 

Even in comfort and moments of stillness, you strive to evolve, and as painful or painless as that seems, you don’t hold on to anything.  You recognize that if there’s no evolution together, in any given direction, there is no growth.  You establish time and space to recognize individual milestones, and growth, independent of your own.  You acknowledge, honor the other when they need support, when they’re in the throes of pain and grant both time and space alone as well as supported guidance. 

Love is not any more complicated than life.  It is life. 
 

With all that you have you will strive to make those milestones beautiful.  Beautiful meaning memorable, delicate, powerful, textured, infinitely penetrable, and never fixed, where you can keep peeling away stories of that the moment and more will be revealed.  And it’s never about stillness, stagnation; the goals, nor the daily ritual.  The harder you hold to ritual, the more shocking when it’s compromised.  When it’s compromised, your bottom falls out.   If you maintain ritual, and voluntarily upset those patterns, you still retain your core balance.

 

Beth OlsenComment